Segun Ozique

The generator at Evking’s Bar is humming a low, steady tune, but inside, the air is thick with a different kind of tension. Ola is showing everyone a picture of his nephew, who just won a math competition. "The boy is a star," Ola beams. "Never complains, never makes trouble. He’s always very 'quiet' - the best kind of child." ​Nne looks up from her drink, her expression unreadable. "Quiet isn't always 'good,' Ola. Sometimes quiet is just a child learning how to scream without making a sound so they don't 'disturb the guests.'" ​ The Lead: The "Angst" Alibi ​We live in a world where parents are often more concerned with the noise a child makes than the pain they feel. We mistake clinical depression for "teenage angst" and panic attacks for "attention-seeking." By the time many parents acknowledge a mental health issue, the "tire tread" of the child’s resilience has already worn t...

The clinking of glasses at Elder Ephraim's garden is interrupted by a sharp laugh from Nne. Ola has just complained that his teenage daughter’s Jollof rice was "too salty," followed by a comment that "no man will marry a woman who can’t season a pot." Meanwhile, while the daughter cooked, his son sat at the dinning table, shouting at a football match on his phone, oblivious to hus sister's works in the kitchen. ​ The Lead: The Domestic Double Standard ​In many homes, "training" is a gendered term. Daughters are enrolled in an unpaid, lifelong internship for marriage, while sons are granted a "scholarship" of leisure. We call it tradition, but science calls it Developmental Sabotage . When we excuse sons from chores, we don't make them "men"; we make them domestically disabled. When we tell daughters to "sit well" or "cook better" because of their gender, we tell them their value is performative. Real e...

The mood at Evking’s Bar is heavy as the rain beats against the windows. Ola is nursing a drink, looking particularly exhausted. "We had another 'cold war' last night," he sighs. "We didn't shout - we’re careful never to fight in front of the kids - but the silence in the house was so thick you could cut it with a knife. My daughter didn't even finish her dinner; she just went to her room." ​ The Lead: The "Silent Treatment" Trap ​Many parents believe that hiding conflict is an act of protecting their children. We think that if the children don't hear the shouting, they aren't being harmed. However, research suggests the opposite: children are emotional barometers, not just sponges. They sense the "lingering tension" and the "negative emotional aftermath" even when words are withheld. When we hide conflict entirely, we deny children the chance to see reconciliation in action . They don't learn how to han...

The evening air in Elder Ephraim’s garden is thick with the scent of night-blooming jasmine, but the mood is somber. Ola is sitting on a low stool, staring at his hands. He’s just had a "short-fuse" moment with his toddler, and the guilt is visible. ​ The Lead: The Ghost in the Nursery When a parent grows up in an environment of fear, neglect, or inconsistency, those survival mechanisms don't just vanish - they get hard-wired into the nervous system. This is what we call "Unhealed parents bleeding on innocent children." We carry "implicit memories" - bodily sensations of terror or abandonment that predate our ability to speak. When our children trigger these old wounds (through a tantrum or even a need for physical touch), we react not to the child, but to our own past. Healing isn't just about "being a better parent"; it's about connecting the dots between our past suffering and our current reactions so the cycle stops with us. ​...

The bill for a round of drinks has just landed on the table at Evking’s Bar , and Ola is staring at it like it’s a ransom note. He hurriedly checks his banking app, sighs, and swipes his card with a grimace. ​"I make decent money," Ola mutters, "but I feel like a sieve. My father was the same - always 'waiting for the next cheque' while hiding letters from the bank. Now I'm doing the exact same dance, and I can see my son watching me, learning how to be broke." ​ The Lead: The Silent Inheritance ​When we don't teach a child how to budget, we aren't just leaving them "uninformed" - we are actively programming them for a cycle of high-interest debt and missed potential. In a world where 2025 data shows only 33% of adults are financially literate, the gap between the "informed" and the "struggling" is becoming a chasm. ​ JENNIFER: ​Ola, you’re not just spending money; you’re modeling survival . Children don’t do w...

Evking’s Bar is silent for once, replaced by the rhythmic sound of a local drummer practising at the bandstand. The group is huddled around bowls of hot pepper soups, but the heat isn’t coming from the spices - it’s coming from Ola, who is currently lamenting why his second son isn't "copy-pasting" the academic success of his first son. SHORT NOTE: ​Most parents approach child-rearing like a factory assembly line: if the input (school, food, discipline) remains the same, the expected output (grades, personality, success) should also be consistent. Parents try to enforce "Sameness" because it’s predictable and easier to manage. But science and nature tell a different story. Every child’s brain is a unique fingerprint, shaped by 100 trillion synaptic connections. Whether it’s the way they handle a new classmate or the way they navigate two different Igbo dialects, diversity isn't a defect - it’s the design. When we force a "violinist" brain into a ...

The neon sign at Evking’s Bar flickers as the group settles back into their usual corner. The atmosphere is different tonight - usually, the wait for drinks is filled with banter. Still, tonight, three people at the next table are sitting in total silence, each illuminated by the blue glow of a smartphone. ​Ola starts to pull his phone out to check a score, then catches Nne’s eyes and slowly puts it face down on the table. "I realised something today," Ola says. "I’m physically in my house for five hours before bed, but I’m probably 'present' for about only twenty to thirty minutes. The rest of the time, I'm just a ghost - browsing on my phone or watching TV." ​ ​JENNIFER: ​What you’re describing, Ola, is Technoference. It’s the "New Poverty." We used to measure poverty by lack of food or money; now, we measure it by Attention Scarcity. ​JENNIFER (cont.): ​When you’re "glued to the device," you become less sensitive to your partner an...

The shadows in Elder Ephraim’s garden have grown long, and the air is cool. A heavy silence follows Elder Ephraim’s visitor's narration. Ola looks at the ground, his face a mixture of defence and deep reflection. You speak of growing up in the era of the "unquestionable elder," and the idea that youth now can openly speak and challenge the elders, means they might be rattling the "respect" foundation. ​"I always thought my silence was my strength," Ola says quietly. "That by swallowing my words before my father, I was becoming a 'man of honour.' But now I look at my son, and I realise he isn't honouring me - he's just hiding from me." ​ ​JIDE: ​We’ve been told that our "Respect" is what makes us superior to the West - that we don't abandon our elders. But as Aristotle pointed out in his Nicomachean Ethics, any virtue pushed to the extreme becomes a vice. ​JIDE (cont.): ​When respect is no longer tempered by justi...

The crickets in Elder Ephraim’s garden are in full chorus now, providing a rhythmic backdrop to the deepest conversation of the night. Jide is absent-mindedly tracing the pattern on his glass, looking thoughtful. ​"In my house growing up," Jide says, "we never missed a service. My mother could quote every scripture. But at home, she would continually frown at some of our neighbours, speaking foul of them and sometimes, belittle my father to my hearing. To me, religion was just a uniform we wore on Sundays and some weekdays. It had plenty of ritual, but very little soul." ​OLA: ​But Jide, without the ritual, how do you learn discipline? My kids know that by 8:00 PM, we pray. It gives them a sense of stability. It tells them they belong to something bigger than themselves. Is that not "nourishing the soul"? ​JENNIFER: ​It is, Ola. Rituals provide Security and Continuity. ​In psychology, it is observed that meaningful family routines can reduce anxiety. But t...

The stars are beginning to peek through the canopy of Elder Ephraim’s garden . Ola looks at his phone - a notification from his home security camera shows his children eating dinner with the house-help while he sits with the group. A flicker of guilt crosses his face. ​"My kids spend more waking hours with their Nanny, Aunty Blessing than with me," Ola says quietly. "She knows their favourite songs, their secret handshakes, and even when they’re about to catch a cold. Sometimes my wife and I feel like guests in our own home, paying the bills for a life we are barely witnessing." ​ BISOLA: ​It’s the Lagos reality, Ola. We bring young girls from the village to be "economic lifelines" for their families, and in return, they become the primary architects of our children’s character. But there’s a fear there - we are leaving our most precious "possessions" with strangers we barely know. ​ JENNIFER: ​And that affects Bonding . Research shows that...

The sun has almost vanished now, as the solar lanterns in Elder Ephraim’s garden are beginning to glow, casting a warm light on the group. Jide is laughing quietly, shaking his head at a memory. ​"I have one more topic I need your opinions on." He says, "My son asked me how a refrigerator actually works last week," Jide admits. "I started explaining something about 'cold magnets' and 'trapped winter air.' I was halfway through a complete lie before I realized I was just terrified of him thinking I’m not the 'all-knowing' dad. I was performing, not parenting." ​ JENNIFER: ​Jide, that "Cold Magnet" story is exactly what we call the Pressure to be Perfect . Parents often equate knowledge with authority. If you don't know the answer, you feel like you’re losing your "power." ​ NNE: ​But from a teen’s perspective, we can usually tell when you're faking. When you lie to cover your ignorance, it doesn'...

The sun is beginning to dip behind the mango trees in Elder Ephraim’s garden , casting long, soft shadows. Ola is staring at his empty hands, his voice unusually quiet. ​"I lost my purse last week," Ola admits. "Cards, ID, everything. My first instinct wasn't to shout; it was to vanish. I went into my room, locked the door, and didn't speak to anyone for two days. I thought I was 'dealing with it privately' to protect my family from my stress. But then I see them watching the door, waiting for me to come out... and I realised I wasn't teaching strength as I ought to but teaching that when life hits you, you disappear." ​ JENNIFER: ​Ola, what you did is a common reaction, but resilience isn't about not feeling the stress. It’s the ability to experience that frustration without getting "stuck." ​ JENNIFER (cont.): ​Resilience is measured by your Recovery Speed . Is it a rough hour or a rough three days? If you shut down for two ...