TOPIC TODAY: Are You Raising Your Child, or Your Own Past? ​When you look at your child’s behavior, are you seeing them, or are you seeing a trigger from your own childhood?​ What is one item in your "Parental Suitcase" that you are ready to discard today?​The Big Question: Can you forgive yourself for the "False Alarms" long enough to realize that your child's safety begins with your own healing?

The evening air in Elder Ephraim’s garden is thick with the scent of night-blooming jasmine, but the mood is somber. Ola is sitting on a low stool, staring at his hands. He’s just had a "short-fuse" moment with his toddler, and the guilt is visible.

​The Lead: The Ghost in the Nursery

When a parent grows up in an environment of fear, neglect, or inconsistency, those survival mechanisms don't just vanish - they get hard-wired into the nervous system. This is what we call "Unhealed parents bleeding on innocent children." We carry "implicit memories" - bodily sensations of terror or abandonment that predate our ability to speak. When our children trigger these old wounds (through a tantrum or even a need for physical touch), we react not to the child, but to our own past. Healing isn't just about "being a better parent"; it's about connecting the dots between our past suffering and our current reactions so the cycle stops with us.

​OLA:

​I love my kids, but sometimes when they cry, something inside me just... snaps. I feel this intense panic or rage that doesn't match the situation. It’s like I’m a child again, waiting for a blow that never comes. Am I just a bad father?

​JENNIFER:

​No, Ola. You’re experiencing a "False Alarm." Because you grew up in an unsafe home, your brain developed a hyper-sensitive alarm system to keep you alive.

​Now, even though there’s no danger, your Implicit Memory - the emotional and bodily memories stored before you were two years old - is being triggered. Your child’s cry isn't just a sound; it’s a reminder of your own unmet needs. You aren't "bad"; you are triggered.

JIDE:

​And it’s even heavier for those from marginalized or poor backgrounds. That’s Historical or Ancestral Trauma. You’re navigating systemic bias and poverty while trying to heal from your own father’s belt. It’s a "double hit" of chronic stress.

​OLA:

​Exactly! And it's weird things that trigger me. Even changing a diaper makes me feel... detached. Or when my son gets a small cut, I panic like it’s a catastrophe.

​Common Trauma Triggers in Parenting

ELDER EPHRAIM:

​Think of your parents as leaving you with suitcases. They are full of lessons - some good, many heavy and broken.

​Healing is opening those suitcases. You look at the "Physical Discipline" and say, "I discard this." You look at the "Emotional Neglect" and say, "I change this into warmth." You don't have to carry the whole bag.

​NNE:

​And when we mess up - because we will - we use Rupture and Repair.

​If you yell, you go back and say: "I was scared and I yelled. I’m sorry. It wasn't your fault." That teaches the child that people can make mistakes and still love you. That’s a gift most of our parents never gave us.

​The Inquiry: The Co-Regulation Gift

​The Group recognizes that the goal isn't "Perfect Parenting," but "Aware Parenting."

• ​Co-Regulation: Using your calm to soothe their storm. If you can't soothe yourself, you can't soothe them.
• ​Mindfulness: Learning to live in the "Now" so the "Then" doesn't take over.
• ​Play as Medicine: Joyful engagement (dancing, drumming, imagining) rewires the brain for connection instead of survival.