THE TOPIC TODAY: Are You Protecting your children or Leaving Them in the Dark? Does your child see the "Repair," or only the "Rupture"? If you hide your conflicts, are you teaching your child that disagreement is shameful or dangerous? The Big Question: Would you rather your child see a "Perfect" lie or an "Imperfect" truth that shows them how to forgive and move forward?
The mood at Evking’s Bar is heavy as the rain beats against the windows. Ola is nursing a drink, looking particularly exhausted. "We had another 'cold war' last night," he sighs. "We didn't shout - we’re careful never to fight in front of the kids - but the silence in the house was so thick you could cut it with a knife. My daughter didn't even finish her dinner; she just went to her room."
The Lead: The "Silent Treatment" Trap
Many parents believe that hiding conflict is an act of protecting their children. We think that if the children don't hear the shouting, they aren't being harmed. However, research suggests the opposite: children are emotional barometers, not just sponges. They sense the "lingering tension" and the "negative emotional aftermath" even when words are withheld. When we hide conflict entirely, we deny children the chance to see reconciliation in action. They don't learn how to handle life's inevitable friction; they only learn how to fear it. This "hidden" discord often leads to Internalizing Problems - anxiety, depression, and withdrawal - which affect up to 33% of children globally.
OLA:
If I don't shout, they don't know we're fighting. Isn't that better than them seeing us angry?
JENNIFER:
Actually, Ola, it’s the Emotional Aftermath that does the damage. Children are invested in feeling "Emotionally Secure" within the family unit.
JENNIFER (cont.):
Even if you don't use "Destructive Strategies" like stonewalling or aggression, the lingering tension undermines their security. It’s like a "negative emotional cloud" that permeates the house. They feel the "ice," and because they don't see the "repair," they stay in a state of high alert.
NNE:
I remember those nights. My parents wouldn't speak for days. I’d stay in my room, my heart racing, wondering if they were getting a divorce. Because they never "fought," they never "fixed" it in front of me. I grew up with massive anxiety because I didn't know how to handle a disagreement without it feeling like the end of the world.
JIDE:
We often ignore Internalizing Disorders because the kids aren't "acting out" or being disruptive. But these are common forms of psychopathology - anxiety, depression, and worry.
JENNIFER:
And it hits differently by gender. Research shows that girls are more sensitive to interpersonal distress. While destructive conflict hurts everyone, the "silent aftermath" often drives girls toward higher rates of depression and anxiety as they reach
ELDER EPHRAIM:
Conflict is like a fire. If it’s out of control (Destructive), it burns the house down. If it’s in the hearth (Constructive), it warms the room.
OLA:
So you're saying I should let them see us disagree?
JENNIFER:
Yes, if it’s Constructive. If they see you using cooperative problem-solving and reaching a Reconciliation, they learn that relationships are resilient. You are giving them the "manual" for their own future marriages.
The Inquiry: The Gift of the "Reset"
The Group concludes that children don't need "Conflict-Free" parents; they need "Conflict-Capable" parents.
• Emotional Security vs. Attachment: Kids need to feel safe with you (Attachment) AND safe with the two of you (Emotional Security).
• The "Direct" Pathway: Destructive strategies (aggression/stonewalling) directly hurt the child's sense of safety.
• The "Indirect" Pathway: Conflict leads to poor parenting (irritability, distraction), which then hurts the child's bond with the parent.
The Lead: The "Silent Treatment" Trap
Many parents believe that hiding conflict is an act of protecting their children. We think that if the children don't hear the shouting, they aren't being harmed. However, research suggests the opposite: children are emotional barometers, not just sponges. They sense the "lingering tension" and the "negative emotional aftermath" even when words are withheld. When we hide conflict entirely, we deny children the chance to see reconciliation in action. They don't learn how to handle life's inevitable friction; they only learn how to fear it. This "hidden" discord often leads to Internalizing Problems - anxiety, depression, and withdrawal - which affect up to 33% of children globally.
OLA:
If I don't shout, they don't know we're fighting. Isn't that better than them seeing us angry?
JENNIFER:
Actually, Ola, it’s the Emotional Aftermath that does the damage. Children are invested in feeling "Emotionally Secure" within the family unit.
JENNIFER (cont.):
Even if you don't use "Destructive Strategies" like stonewalling or aggression, the lingering tension undermines their security. It’s like a "negative emotional cloud" that permeates the house. They feel the "ice," and because they don't see the "repair," they stay in a state of high alert.
NNE:
I remember those nights. My parents wouldn't speak for days. I’d stay in my room, my heart racing, wondering if they were getting a divorce. Because they never "fought," they never "fixed" it in front of me. I grew up with massive anxiety because I didn't know how to handle a disagreement without it feeling like the end of the world.
JIDE:
We often ignore Internalizing Disorders because the kids aren't "acting out" or being disruptive. But these are common forms of psychopathology - anxiety, depression, and worry.
And it hits differently by gender. Research shows that girls are more sensitive to interpersonal distress. While destructive conflict hurts everyone, the "silent aftermath" often drives girls toward higher rates of depression and anxiety as they reach
ELDER EPHRAIM:
Conflict is like a fire. If it’s out of control (Destructive), it burns the house down. If it’s in the hearth (Constructive), it warms the room.
OLA:
So you're saying I should let them see us disagree?
JENNIFER:
Yes, if it’s Constructive. If they see you using cooperative problem-solving and reaching a Reconciliation, they learn that relationships are resilient. You are giving them the "manual" for their own future marriages.
The Inquiry: The Gift of the "Reset"
The Group concludes that children don't need "Conflict-Free" parents; they need "Conflict-Capable" parents.
• Emotional Security vs. Attachment: Kids need to feel safe with you (Attachment) AND safe with the two of you (Emotional Security).
• The "Direct" Pathway: Destructive strategies (aggression/stonewalling) directly hurt the child's sense of safety.
• The "Indirect" Pathway: Conflict leads to poor parenting (irritability, distraction), which then hurts the child's bond with the parent.
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