TOPIC TODAY: When you shout at your child, are you trying to help the child or just vent your own stress? Does your child respect you because they admire you, or because they fear you?The Big Question: If your child spoke to you the way you speak to them when you’re angry, would you call it "disrespectful"?
The debate at Evakings Bar today is louder than usual. Ola just finished a story about his son "refusing to listen" until he "roared like a lion." He looks around for high-fives, but Jide is just shaking his head while Jennifer, the psychologist, is already sketching something on a napkin.
"Ola," Jide says, "you think you’re being a lion, but to that boy's brain, you’re a thunderstorm. He didn't 'listen'; he just went into survival mode. You're building a house on a foundation of cortisol, not character."
The Lead: The Architecture of the Atmosphere
Parenting isn't just about getting a child to "stop" a behaviour; it’s about what you build inside them while they are stopping. Communication styles act as a biological blueprint. Shouting creates a "survival" brain - high in anxiety and quick to flee. Conversations create a "safety" brain - wired for logic and emotional regulation. In a world where 90% of parents admit to shouting as a primary discipline tool, the science is clear: we aren't "toughening them up"; we are literally rewiring their capacity to think.
JENNIFER:
Ola, when you shout, you trigger the Amygdala - the brain's alarm centre. This releases a flood of cortisol and adrenaline.
JENNIFER (cont.):
Over time, frequent shouting can change the brain's structure. It shrinks the parts responsible for processing language and emotions. Essentially, you are damaging the very "receiver" you’re trying to talk to.
NNE:
And they become "parent-deaf." I remember my cousins; as soon as their dad started yelling, they just glazed over. They weren't learning; they were just waiting for the noise to stop so they could return to their previous activities. It builds lying and hiding because fear is a terrible teacher.
JIDE:
Most parents fail because their KAP (knowledge, Attitude and Practice) is out of sync. You might have the Knowledge (you know yelling is bad), but your Attitude (you believe "boys must be toughened up") determines your Practice.
The Core Outcomes of Parenting Styles
ELDER EPHRAIM:
"Competence begets competence," Ola. If the child feels safe (Emotional Competence), they can learn (Cognitive Competence) and get along with others (Social Competence), including those of different races, religions, or backgrounds. It all starts with the tone at the dinner table.
OLA:
So what do I do when I’m about to blow? Just whisper?
The "Firm but Calm" Toolkit
• Get on Their Level: Physically bending down to eye level reduces the "threat" perception.
• Logical Consequences: Replace "If you don't stop, I’ll kill you!" with "If you don't pick up the toys, we can't play with them after dinner."
• Response Flexibility: Ask yourself: Is this a defiance issue or a development issue? For example, a 3-year-old can't regulate their emotions as well as you can - or should.
The Inquiry: The Ripple Effect of Respect
The Group concludes that a child’s self-esteem is the "scaffold" for everything else.
• Emotional Safety: A calm tone signals "You are safe," which allows the brain to stay open to learning.
• Modelling: You are teaching them how to handle frustration. If you lash out, you are giving them permission to do the same to their peers and, eventually, their own children.
• The Long-Game: Shouting produces short-term compliance but long-term resentment. Conversation produces long-term character.
"Ola," Jide says, "you think you’re being a lion, but to that boy's brain, you’re a thunderstorm. He didn't 'listen'; he just went into survival mode. You're building a house on a foundation of cortisol, not character."
The Lead: The Architecture of the Atmosphere
Parenting isn't just about getting a child to "stop" a behaviour; it’s about what you build inside them while they are stopping. Communication styles act as a biological blueprint. Shouting creates a "survival" brain - high in anxiety and quick to flee. Conversations create a "safety" brain - wired for logic and emotional regulation. In a world where 90% of parents admit to shouting as a primary discipline tool, the science is clear: we aren't "toughening them up"; we are literally rewiring their capacity to think.
JENNIFER:
Ola, when you shout, you trigger the Amygdala - the brain's alarm centre. This releases a flood of cortisol and adrenaline.
JENNIFER (cont.):
Over time, frequent shouting can change the brain's structure. It shrinks the parts responsible for processing language and emotions. Essentially, you are damaging the very "receiver" you’re trying to talk to.
NNE:
And they become "parent-deaf." I remember my cousins; as soon as their dad started yelling, they just glazed over. They weren't learning; they were just waiting for the noise to stop so they could return to their previous activities. It builds lying and hiding because fear is a terrible teacher.
JIDE:
Most parents fail because their KAP (knowledge, Attitude and Practice) is out of sync. You might have the Knowledge (you know yelling is bad), but your Attitude (you believe "boys must be toughened up") determines your Practice.
The Core Outcomes of Parenting Styles
ELDER EPHRAIM:
"Competence begets competence," Ola. If the child feels safe (Emotional Competence), they can learn (Cognitive Competence) and get along with others (Social Competence), including those of different races, religions, or backgrounds. It all starts with the tone at the dinner table.
OLA:
So what do I do when I’m about to blow? Just whisper?
JENNIFER:
Actually, yes. Lowering your volume often startles a child into listening more effectively than a scream. It forces them to engage their Prefrontal Cortex - the logical part of the brain - to hear you.
Actually, yes. Lowering your volume often startles a child into listening more effectively than a scream. It forces them to engage their Prefrontal Cortex - the logical part of the brain - to hear you.
The "Firm but Calm" Toolkit
• Get on Their Level: Physically bending down to eye level reduces the "threat" perception.
• Logical Consequences: Replace "If you don't stop, I’ll kill you!" with "If you don't pick up the toys, we can't play with them after dinner."
• Response Flexibility: Ask yourself: Is this a defiance issue or a development issue? For example, a 3-year-old can't regulate their emotions as well as you can - or should.
The Inquiry: The Ripple Effect of Respect
The Group concludes that a child’s self-esteem is the "scaffold" for everything else.
• Emotional Safety: A calm tone signals "You are safe," which allows the brain to stay open to learning.
• Modelling: You are teaching them how to handle frustration. If you lash out, you are giving them permission to do the same to their peers and, eventually, their own children.
• The Long-Game: Shouting produces short-term compliance but long-term resentment. Conversation produces long-term character.
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