TOPIC TODAY: Are You Present at Your Home or Just "There"? Does your child or partner have to "compete" with a notification or social media posts to get your eye contact? Which "Sacred Context" in your home has been colonised by a screen, and are you brave enough to take it back today? The Big Question: If your child grew up and treated you with the same "mentally absent" attention you give them now, would you feel loved?
The neon sign at Evking’s Bar flickers as the group settles back into their usual corner. The atmosphere is different tonight - usually, the wait for drinks is filled with banter. Still, tonight, three people at the next table are sitting in total silence, each illuminated by the blue glow of a smartphone.
Ola starts to pull his phone out to check a score, then catches Nne’s eyes and slowly puts it face down on the table. "I realised something today," Ola says. "I’m physically in my house for five hours before bed, but I’m probably 'present' for about only twenty to thirty minutes. The rest of the time, I'm just a ghost - browsing on my phone or watching TV."
JENNIFER:
What you’re describing, Ola, is Technoference. It’s the "New Poverty." We used to measure poverty by lack of food or money; now, we measure it by Attention Scarcity.
JENNIFER (cont.):
When you’re "glued to the device," you become less sensitive to your partner and your children. Your responsiveness falls. Research shows that children react to this "interference" with anger, sadness, or, eventually, by simply giving up on seeking your attention.
JIDE:
It’s becoming a class issue too. Interestingly, the "New Class Differentiator" is that affluent families are now paying for "screen-free" or "sunlight-based" childhoods, while everyone else is left in the "Phone Alone" trap. Attention is becoming a premium luxury.
NNE:
It’s not just that you’re busy; it’s that the phone feels more interesting than any other physical relationships.
JENNIFER:
Don't take it personally, Nne. Neuroscientists like Adam Gazzaley explain that our brains are novelty-hungry.
JENNIFER (cont.):
Phones offer "intermittent rewards" - pings, likes, new headlines. We engage in "Micro-switching" - thousands of tiny attentional shifts. To a child, those shifts look like you’re choosing a piece of glass over their story. This is linked to increased ADHD-like symptoms and behavioural problems in kids because they lack a steady, attentive mirror to regulate their own emotions.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
Family warmth is built in micro-moments-the jokes, the shared silences, the small chitchat, the nods. You can't "multitask" a relationship. If mealtimes become "multitimes," you’re losing the very rituals that buffer stress.
OLA:
So, how do we stop the "nibbling"? How do we stop the phone from eating our lives 30 minutes at a time?
The 5-Play Strategy for Intentional Presence:
The Inquiry: The Eye Contact Economy
The Group realises that we aren't failing because we lack willpower; we are up against "Dark Patterns" designed to keep us hooked.
• Eye Contact is Connection: It tells the other person they are worth hearing.
• Reshape, don't just restrict: Use tools like MIT’s OctoStudio to turn phones into creative canvases rather than just distraction machines.
• The "Silent" Addiction: It doesn't have a "rock bottom"; it just slowly dissolves your weekends and your bedtime conversations.
Ola starts to pull his phone out to check a score, then catches Nne’s eyes and slowly puts it face down on the table. "I realised something today," Ola says. "I’m physically in my house for five hours before bed, but I’m probably 'present' for about only twenty to thirty minutes. The rest of the time, I'm just a ghost - browsing on my phone or watching TV."
JENNIFER:
What you’re describing, Ola, is Technoference. It’s the "New Poverty." We used to measure poverty by lack of food or money; now, we measure it by Attention Scarcity.
JENNIFER (cont.):
When you’re "glued to the device," you become less sensitive to your partner and your children. Your responsiveness falls. Research shows that children react to this "interference" with anger, sadness, or, eventually, by simply giving up on seeking your attention.
JIDE:
It’s becoming a class issue too. Interestingly, the "New Class Differentiator" is that affluent families are now paying for "screen-free" or "sunlight-based" childhoods, while everyone else is left in the "Phone Alone" trap. Attention is becoming a premium luxury.
NNE:
It’s not just that you’re busy; it’s that the phone feels more interesting than any other physical relationships.
JENNIFER:
Don't take it personally, Nne. Neuroscientists like Adam Gazzaley explain that our brains are novelty-hungry.
JENNIFER (cont.):
Phones offer "intermittent rewards" - pings, likes, new headlines. We engage in "Micro-switching" - thousands of tiny attentional shifts. To a child, those shifts look like you’re choosing a piece of glass over their story. This is linked to increased ADHD-like symptoms and behavioural problems in kids because they lack a steady, attentive mirror to regulate their own emotions.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
Family warmth is built in micro-moments-the jokes, the shared silences, the small chitchat, the nods. You can't "multitask" a relationship. If mealtimes become "multitimes," you’re losing the very rituals that buffer stress.
OLA:
So, how do we stop the "nibbling"? How do we stop the phone from eating our lives 30 minutes at a time?
The 5-Play Strategy for Intentional Presence:
The Inquiry: The Eye Contact Economy
The Group realises that we aren't failing because we lack willpower; we are up against "Dark Patterns" designed to keep us hooked.
• Eye Contact is Connection: It tells the other person they are worth hearing.
• Reshape, don't just restrict: Use tools like MIT’s OctoStudio to turn phones into creative canvases rather than just distraction machines.
• The "Silent" Addiction: It doesn't have a "rock bottom"; it just slowly dissolves your weekends and your bedtime conversations.
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