TOPIC TODAY: When Parents Compete With Their Children Adult insecurity turns into jealousy and sabotage. Do you feel a "pinch" of envy when your child achieves something you couldn't? Are your "jokes" about your child meant to entertain, or to keep them "in their place"? The Big Question: Would you rather be the "Greatest" person in your house, or the person who raised the "Greatest" child?
The ceiling fan at Ola’s house is humming, but the air is thick with a different kind of heat. Ola’s daughter, Tems, has just shared that she was promoted to a senior role at her firm—the youngest in the company's history.
Instead of a toast, Ola scoffs. "Senior role? At twenty-five? In my day, we actually had to sweat for ten years to get that title. They probably gave it to you just to meet a quota. When I was at the ministry, I managed three departments with half the tools you have."
Tems’ smile vanishes. She looks at her shoes. Jide catches Nne’s eye across the room. The "Parental Spotlight" hasn't just dimmed; it has been snatched.
The Lead: The Stolen Spotlight
We expect parents to be the wind beneath their children’s wings, but sometimes, they become the ceiling that keeps them from flying. This is the uncomfortable reality of Parental Competition. It is a shadow dance where a parent's own unfulfilled dreams and deep-seated insecurities turn their child’s success into a threat.
When a parent competes, they aren't seeing a "person to nurture"; they are seeing a "rival to beat." This dialogue dives into the heart of Adultification of Insecurity - why it happens, how it destroys the family "social cord," and how both generations can find a way to celebrate together without anyone feeling diminished.
The Rivalry Trap: When the Parent Wants the Trophy
Character Key:
• Ola: The "Competitive Parent"; struggling with his own "glory days."
• Tems: The "High Achiever"; feeling the sting of her father’s "backhanded compliments."
• Jennifer (Psychologist): Explaining the "Narcissistic Extension" and trauma.
• Jide: The "Bridge"; calling out the "Mompetition" and "Dad-rivalry."
• Elder Ephraim: The "Moral Compass"; on the duty of the elder to be a foundation, not a competitor.
JENNIFER:
Ola, what you just did is a classic move. It’s called undermining. Because you didn't reach your peak when you wanted to, seeing Tems reach hers so early triggers your own sense of "failure." You aren't judging her; you are judging the younger version of yourself.
JIDE:
It’s a trend we see a lot now. We call it "Mompetition" or "Dad-rivalry." Parents who didn't get the "spotlight" now try to steal it back from their kids by saying things like, "It must be nice to have it so easy," or by bringing up their own "greater" past feats.
NNE:
It isn't always loud. Sometimes it’s the "Small Poison"—the jokes in front of visitors that make the child look small so the parent looks big.
The Competitive Parent's Tactics
JENNIFER:
When a child has to "shrink" themselves so their parent can feel "big," they develop High Functioning Anxiety. They become perfectionists who are terrified of success because they know success brings a "penalty" from the person they love most.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
A father should be like the root of a tree. The root stays in the dark dirt so the branches can touch the sun. If the root tries to climb the tree to get the sun for itself, the whole tree falls.
The Inquiry: Turning Rivalry into Rooting
The Group concludes that the parent-child bond is not a "Zero-Sum Game." One person winning does not mean the other is losing.
• For the Youth: Set boundaries. You don't have to share every win with a competitive parent. Build a "Support Circle" of mentors who can celebrate you without jealousy.
• For the Parent: Do an "Insecurity Audit." Ask yourself: "Why does my child’s win make me feel small?" Heal your own unfulfilled dreams so you don't bleed on your children.
• The "Grey Rock" Method: If a parent tries to bait you into a competition, respond with neutrality. Don't take the bait.
Instead of a toast, Ola scoffs. "Senior role? At twenty-five? In my day, we actually had to sweat for ten years to get that title. They probably gave it to you just to meet a quota. When I was at the ministry, I managed three departments with half the tools you have."
Tems’ smile vanishes. She looks at her shoes. Jide catches Nne’s eye across the room. The "Parental Spotlight" hasn't just dimmed; it has been snatched.
The Lead: The Stolen Spotlight
We expect parents to be the wind beneath their children’s wings, but sometimes, they become the ceiling that keeps them from flying. This is the uncomfortable reality of Parental Competition. It is a shadow dance where a parent's own unfulfilled dreams and deep-seated insecurities turn their child’s success into a threat.
When a parent competes, they aren't seeing a "person to nurture"; they are seeing a "rival to beat." This dialogue dives into the heart of Adultification of Insecurity - why it happens, how it destroys the family "social cord," and how both generations can find a way to celebrate together without anyone feeling diminished.
The Rivalry Trap: When the Parent Wants the Trophy
Character Key:
• Ola: The "Competitive Parent"; struggling with his own "glory days."
• Tems: The "High Achiever"; feeling the sting of her father’s "backhanded compliments."
• Jennifer (Psychologist): Explaining the "Narcissistic Extension" and trauma.
• Jide: The "Bridge"; calling out the "Mompetition" and "Dad-rivalry."
• Elder Ephraim: The "Moral Compass"; on the duty of the elder to be a foundation, not a competitor.
JENNIFER:
Ola, what you just did is a classic move. It’s called undermining. Because you didn't reach your peak when you wanted to, seeing Tems reach hers so early triggers your own sense of "failure." You aren't judging her; you are judging the younger version of yourself.
JIDE:
It’s a trend we see a lot now. We call it "Mompetition" or "Dad-rivalry." Parents who didn't get the "spotlight" now try to steal it back from their kids by saying things like, "It must be nice to have it so easy," or by bringing up their own "greater" past feats.
NNE:
It isn't always loud. Sometimes it’s the "Small Poison"—the jokes in front of visitors that make the child look small so the parent looks big.
The Competitive Parent's Tactics
JENNIFER:
When a child has to "shrink" themselves so their parent can feel "big," they develop High Functioning Anxiety. They become perfectionists who are terrified of success because they know success brings a "penalty" from the person they love most.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
A father should be like the root of a tree. The root stays in the dark dirt so the branches can touch the sun. If the root tries to climb the tree to get the sun for itself, the whole tree falls.
The Inquiry: Turning Rivalry into Rooting
The Group concludes that the parent-child bond is not a "Zero-Sum Game." One person winning does not mean the other is losing.
• For the Youth: Set boundaries. You don't have to share every win with a competitive parent. Build a "Support Circle" of mentors who can celebrate you without jealousy.
• For the Parent: Do an "Insecurity Audit." Ask yourself: "Why does my child’s win make me feel small?" Heal your own unfulfilled dreams so you don't bleed on your children.
• The "Grey Rock" Method: If a parent tries to bait you into a competition, respond with neutrality. Don't take the bait.
Comments