Topic Today is: Outsourced Love” Can You Delegate Parenting Without Consequences? If your helper is the one teaching your child how to pray, how to speak, and how to treat others, who is actually raising them? Are we placing too much "psychological weight" on our elderly parents without giving them the tools to handle modern childhood trauma? The Big Question: Can a parent truly "delegate" the bonding process, or are we just delaying a massive emotional bill that our children will present to us in their twenties?
The stars are beginning to peek through the canopy of Elder Ephraim’s garden. Ola looks at his phone - a notification from his home security camera shows his children eating dinner with the house-help while he sits here. A flicker of guilt crosses his face.
"My kids spend more waking hours with Aunty Blessing than with me," Ola says quietly. "She knows their favourite songs, their secret handshakes, and even when they’re about to catch a cold. Sometimes I feel like a guest in my own home, paying the bills for a life I’m barely witnessing."
"My kids spend more waking hours with Aunty Blessing than with me," Ola says quietly. "She knows their favourite songs, their secret handshakes, and even when they’re about to catch a cold. Sometimes I feel like a guest in my own home, paying the bills for a life I’m barely witnessing."
BISOLA:
It’s the Lagos reality, Ola. We bring young girls from the village to be "economic lifelines" for their families, and in return, they become the primary architects of our children’s character. But there’s a fear there - we are leaving our most precious "possessions" with strangers we barely know.
JENNIFER:
And that affects Bonding. Research shows that children with a stay-at-home parent often have more stable academic outcomes, but for most urban families, that’s a luxury they can’t afford. The helper becomes the Primary Attachment Figure.
NNE:
I remember my Aunt Mary more than I remember my mom from the ages of five to eight. When I fell, I ran to Mary. My mom was just the lady who brought toys on Friday nights. It didn't make me "bad," but it made my relationship with my mom feel... transactional. Like she was the Boss, and Mary was the Mom.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
But what about the grandparents? Everyone thinks it's a blessing, but it’s a heavy cross. I love my grandkids, but I am seventy. I don’t have the energy for their "hyperactivity," and my pension barely covers their school runs.
JENNIFER:
That’s the Grandparent Strain. While kinship care provides a "loving home base," it often follows ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) - like parental death, poverty, or abandonment.
JENNIFER (cont.):
These children are at a higher risk of internalising problems like depression and anxiety. They feel the "separation trauma" from their biological parents, even if the grandparents are wonderful. If the grandparents are also stressed or financially unstable, the child experiences a "double hit" to their emotional well-being.
The Inquiry: Managing the "Extended" Home
The Group recognises that while these arrangements are necessary, they require intentional management to avoid long-term psychological scarring.
It’s the Lagos reality, Ola. We bring young girls from the village to be "economic lifelines" for their families, and in return, they become the primary architects of our children’s character. But there’s a fear there - we are leaving our most precious "possessions" with strangers we barely know.
JENNIFER:
And that affects Bonding. Research shows that children with a stay-at-home parent often have more stable academic outcomes, but for most urban families, that’s a luxury they can’t afford. The helper becomes the Primary Attachment Figure.
NNE:
I remember my Aunt Mary more than I remember my mom from the ages of five to eight. When I fell, I ran to Mary. My mom was just the lady who brought toys on Friday nights. It didn't make me "bad," but it made my relationship with my mom feel... transactional. Like she was the Boss, and Mary was the Mom.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
But what about the grandparents? Everyone thinks it's a blessing, but it’s a heavy cross. I love my grandkids, but I am seventy. I don’t have the energy for their "hyperactivity," and my pension barely covers their school runs.
JENNIFER:
That’s the Grandparent Strain. While kinship care provides a "loving home base," it often follows ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) - like parental death, poverty, or abandonment.
JENNIFER (cont.):
These children are at a higher risk of internalising problems like depression and anxiety. They feel the "separation trauma" from their biological parents, even if the grandparents are wonderful. If the grandparents are also stressed or financially unstable, the child experiences a "double hit" to their emotional well-being.
The Inquiry: Managing the "Extended" Home
The Group recognises that while these arrangements are necessary, they require intentional management to avoid long-term psychological scarring.
The "Third-Party" Reality Check
• Mental Health: Children in grandparent-led homes often show higher rates of inattention and aggression due to the "missing" parental link.
• The "Helper" Influence: The language, values, and habits of the helper will become the child's "default setting" unless parents are actively involved in the "curriculum" of the home.
• Regression: Separation from biological parents can lead to "Developmental Regression" (e.g., bedwetting or withdrawal) in young children.
• Mental Health: Children in grandparent-led homes often show higher rates of inattention and aggression due to the "missing" parental link.
• The "Helper" Influence: The language, values, and habits of the helper will become the child's "default setting" unless parents are actively involved in the "curriculum" of the home.
• Regression: Separation from biological parents can lead to "Developmental Regression" (e.g., bedwetting or withdrawal) in young children.
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