TOPIC TODAY: The Sorry Syndrome: Are We Raising Daughters or Domestic Shadows?Nigeria cannot expand until the girl-child rises. But she cannot rise if she is busy policing her own voice.• Is the "Sorry Syndrome" the biggest barrier to female leadership in Nigeria?• Should we stop judging 12–30-year-old girls by their "character" (submission) and start valuing their "contributions" (innovation)?• The Big Question: To the girls listening - are you ready to trust your voice more than the noise of a society that wants you to be a shadow?
SCENE: A corner at Evking’s Bar, Ikeja. Ebube is clearing where Nne and two others sat. Ebuka, her junior brother, is sitting with the adults on another table, scrolling through his phone.
A few minutes earlier, the tension of the international political debate was slowly dissolving as Nne leaned forward, her eyes fixed on Ebube, the bar owner’s 16-year-old daughter. Ebube had just tripped slightly while bringing a bowl of peanuts to her table and before anyone could speak, she whispered a frantic "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," shrinking her shoulders as if trying to disappear.
Nne sighed, turning to the group and finger-pointing to Ebube, she said, "See? That, right there. That's the emergency I’m more concerned about. Not Greenland, not Trump. It’s the fact that we’ve turned our girls into professional apologisers."
NNE:
Ebube, why did you say sorry three timesa few minutess back when you tripped? You didn't even drop the bowl.
Ebube (Shrugging, looking at the floor):
I don't know... I just don't want to be "disrespectful." At home, if I speak too loudly or argue with Ebuka, my mum says I’m becoming "difficult." She says no man wants a woman who has too much mouth. Even my dad warns me about how I conduct myself.
Ebuka (Laughing):
It’s true now! In school, guys don't like the girls who are too "strong-headed." We call them "Aunty No-Nonsense." It’s better if they are just cool and soft.
BISOLA:
And there it is. The "Systemic Disorientation." Ebube is 16, but she’s already her own police officer. Ebuka, you are raised to conquer the world, but Ebube is being trained to manage her fears so she doesn't "threaten" anyone. She’s editing her dreams so they don't overshadow yours.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
But Bisola, there is beauty in a woman who knows how to be an accessory to her home. A girl’s life is complete when she is claimed and protected. Why teach her to be a "builder" when her role is to provide peace?
NNE:
Because "peace" shouldn't mean "silence," Elder! We are teaching girls to trade brilliance for approval. Ebube is at the top of her class in science, but she told me the other day she’s afraid to answer too many questions because the boys will think she’s "too much."
JIDE:
It’s a strange "YOLO" we’ve given them. We tell boys,s "The world is yours," and we tell girls, "The kitchen is yours, and maybe a small corner of the world if your husband allows it."
Ebube (Looking up, eyes bright):
I want to build and design things and own my business. I want to be anentrepreneurr. But my auntie says I should study "something light" like Nutrition so I can have time for my future husband and kids. Is my purpose just to "service" someone else's life?
BISOLA:
No, Ebube. You are a human being first, before you are anyone’s wife or "accessory." When you succeed, you aren't "rejecting tradition" - you are expanding what is possible for a Nigerian woman.
Ebuka:
But if she’s the boss, who will look after the house?
NNE:
Both of you, Ebuka! You weren't born with a can-not-cookk" gene, and she wasn't born with a must-apologisee" gene. If we raise you to see her as a partner instead of a possession, the whole society stands taller.
ELDER EPHRAIM (Thoughtful):
Maybe the world has changed more than I realised. If the girl-child rises, does it mean the man falls?
BISOLA:
No, Elder. It means the man finally has a partner with a full brain and a loud voice to help him carry the weight of the world. In the same way, the man can be the partner and her helper too if she leads. A shadow can't help you build a nation; only a person can.
The Inquiry: Shattering the Invisible Ceilings
The dialogue reveals a deep-seated cultural conditioning that begins long before a girl enters the workforce. To change the script, we must ask:
• Parenting: Do we reward "obedience" in our daughters but "curiosity" in our sons?
• Validation: Why is a teenage girl taught that her worth is measured by her "marriageability" rather than her mastery of a skill?
• The Male Role: How can we teach boys like Ebuka that a girl’s brilliance is a strength to be celebrated, not a threat to be managed?
A few minutes earlier, the tension of the international political debate was slowly dissolving as Nne leaned forward, her eyes fixed on Ebube, the bar owner’s 16-year-old daughter. Ebube had just tripped slightly while bringing a bowl of peanuts to her table and before anyone could speak, she whispered a frantic "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," shrinking her shoulders as if trying to disappear.
Nne sighed, turning to the group and finger-pointing to Ebube, she said, "See? That, right there. That's the emergency I’m more concerned about. Not Greenland, not Trump. It’s the fact that we’ve turned our girls into professional apologisers."
NNE:
Ebube, why did you say sorry three timesa few minutess back when you tripped? You didn't even drop the bowl.
Ebube (Shrugging, looking at the floor):
I don't know... I just don't want to be "disrespectful." At home, if I speak too loudly or argue with Ebuka, my mum says I’m becoming "difficult." She says no man wants a woman who has too much mouth. Even my dad warns me about how I conduct myself.
Ebuka (Laughing):
It’s true now! In school, guys don't like the girls who are too "strong-headed." We call them "Aunty No-Nonsense." It’s better if they are just cool and soft.
BISOLA:
And there it is. The "Systemic Disorientation." Ebube is 16, but she’s already her own police officer. Ebuka, you are raised to conquer the world, but Ebube is being trained to manage her fears so she doesn't "threaten" anyone. She’s editing her dreams so they don't overshadow yours.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
But Bisola, there is beauty in a woman who knows how to be an accessory to her home. A girl’s life is complete when she is claimed and protected. Why teach her to be a "builder" when her role is to provide peace?
NNE:
Because "peace" shouldn't mean "silence," Elder! We are teaching girls to trade brilliance for approval. Ebube is at the top of her class in science, but she told me the other day she’s afraid to answer too many questions because the boys will think she’s "too much."
JIDE:
It’s a strange "YOLO" we’ve given them. We tell boys,s "The world is yours," and we tell girls, "The kitchen is yours, and maybe a small corner of the world if your husband allows it."
Ebube (Looking up, eyes bright):
I want to build and design things and own my business. I want to be anentrepreneurr. But my auntie says I should study "something light" like Nutrition so I can have time for my future husband and kids. Is my purpose just to "service" someone else's life?
BISOLA:
No, Ebube. You are a human being first, before you are anyone’s wife or "accessory." When you succeed, you aren't "rejecting tradition" - you are expanding what is possible for a Nigerian woman.
Ebuka:
But if she’s the boss, who will look after the house?
NNE:
Both of you, Ebuka! You weren't born with a can-not-cookk" gene, and she wasn't born with a must-apologisee" gene. If we raise you to see her as a partner instead of a possession, the whole society stands taller.
ELDER EPHRAIM (Thoughtful):
Maybe the world has changed more than I realised. If the girl-child rises, does it mean the man falls?
BISOLA:
No, Elder. It means the man finally has a partner with a full brain and a loud voice to help him carry the weight of the world. In the same way, the man can be the partner and her helper too if she leads. A shadow can't help you build a nation; only a person can.
The Inquiry: Shattering the Invisible Ceilings
The dialogue reveals a deep-seated cultural conditioning that begins long before a girl enters the workforce. To change the script, we must ask:
• Parenting: Do we reward "obedience" in our daughters but "curiosity" in our sons?
• Validation: Why is a teenage girl taught that her worth is measured by her "marriageability" rather than her mastery of a skill?
• The Male Role: How can we teach boys like Ebuka that a girl’s brilliance is a strength to be celebrated, not a threat to be managed?
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