TOPIC TODAY: Are You a Mirror or a Wall?When life loses your "purse" - metaphorically or literally - your children are looking at you to see how to handle the "bad happening."• Does your "Recovery Speed" inspire your kids, or does it leave them waiting for the "door to unlock"?• If schools teach the theory of EI, are you providing a safe opportunity to practice it at the dinner table?• The Big Question: If your child comes home with a "lost purse" (a failed grade or a broken heart), will they see you as a safe person to talk to, or will they copy your habit and shut themselves in their room?
The sun is beginning to dip behind the mango trees in Elder Ephraim’s garden, casting long, soft shadows. Ola is staring at his empty hands, his voice unusually quiet.
"I lost my purse last week," Ola admits. "Cards, ID, everything. My first instinct wasn't to shout; it was to vanish. I went into my room, locked the door, and didn't speak to anyone for two days. I thought I was 'dealing with it privately' to protect my family from my stress. But then I see them watching the door, waiting for me to come out... and I realised I wasn't teaching strength as I ought to but teaching that when life hits you, you disappear."
JENNIFER:
Ola, what you did is a common reaction, but resilience isn't about not feeling the stress. It’s the ability to experience that frustration without getting "stuck."
JENNIFER (cont.):
Resilience is measured by your Recovery Speed. Is it a rough hour or a rough three days? If you shut down for two days, you’re in a "reaction" state. Resilience shows up when we can pause before we snap - or before we vanish.
NNE:
To us (children), when parents shut down, it’s actually scarier than when they shout. Silence feels like a wall. We start thinking, "If Dad can't handle a lost purse, how am I supposed to handle my exams or my friends?" We need to see you "work it out" out loud.
OLA:
So, I should have let them see me frustrated?
JENNIFER:
Yes! Show them the Process. Say: "I am very frustrated because I lost my purse. I need 20 minutes to calm my body, then I’m going to start calling the banks." That teaches them three things: Naming the emotion, calming the body, and Problem-solving.
JIDE:
But who is actually responsible for teaching this? Most parents in Nigeria are too busy surviving to teach "Emotional Intelligence (EI)." Should we leave it to the schools?
JENNIFER:
It’s a Partnership. Think of it this way:
• Parents (The Foundation): You provide the "Home Base." You teach Secure Attachment. If a kid feels safe with you, they can practice failing.
• Schools (The Application): They provide the "Social Lab." Through Social-Emotional Learning (SEL), they teach conflict resolution and how to handle a "rough hour" with peers.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
In my day, we called it "Character." Today you call it "EI." The difference is, we used to have a whole village to catch a child when they fell. Now, the child only has a phone and a stressed parent. We must restore the "willingness to talk" about what is hard.
NNE:
For the youths following this: you aren't "weak" because you feel stress. Between school, social media, and Lagos life, our "alarms" are always going off. Resilience is just a skill, like coding or football. You have to practice:
• Name it: "I’m not 'annoyed,' I’m actually 'overwhelmed.'"
• Check your thoughts: "Is this a disaster, or just a bad day?"
• Ask for help: Shutting down is a solo act; resilience is a team sport.
The Inquiry: Proactive vs. Reactive
The Group concludes that Emotional Intelligence isn't about being "happy" all the time. It's about being Reasonable when things go wrong.
"I lost my purse last week," Ola admits. "Cards, ID, everything. My first instinct wasn't to shout; it was to vanish. I went into my room, locked the door, and didn't speak to anyone for two days. I thought I was 'dealing with it privately' to protect my family from my stress. But then I see them watching the door, waiting for me to come out... and I realised I wasn't teaching strength as I ought to but teaching that when life hits you, you disappear."
JENNIFER:
Ola, what you did is a common reaction, but resilience isn't about not feeling the stress. It’s the ability to experience that frustration without getting "stuck."
JENNIFER (cont.):
Resilience is measured by your Recovery Speed. Is it a rough hour or a rough three days? If you shut down for two days, you’re in a "reaction" state. Resilience shows up when we can pause before we snap - or before we vanish.
NNE:
To us (children), when parents shut down, it’s actually scarier than when they shout. Silence feels like a wall. We start thinking, "If Dad can't handle a lost purse, how am I supposed to handle my exams or my friends?" We need to see you "work it out" out loud.
OLA:
So, I should have let them see me frustrated?
JENNIFER:
Yes! Show them the Process. Say: "I am very frustrated because I lost my purse. I need 20 minutes to calm my body, then I’m going to start calling the banks." That teaches them three things: Naming the emotion, calming the body, and Problem-solving.
JIDE:
But who is actually responsible for teaching this? Most parents in Nigeria are too busy surviving to teach "Emotional Intelligence (EI)." Should we leave it to the schools?
JENNIFER:
It’s a Partnership. Think of it this way:
• Parents (The Foundation): You provide the "Home Base." You teach Secure Attachment. If a kid feels safe with you, they can practice failing.
• Schools (The Application): They provide the "Social Lab." Through Social-Emotional Learning (SEL), they teach conflict resolution and how to handle a "rough hour" with peers.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
In my day, we called it "Character." Today you call it "EI." The difference is, we used to have a whole village to catch a child when they fell. Now, the child only has a phone and a stressed parent. We must restore the "willingness to talk" about what is hard.
NNE:
For the youths following this: you aren't "weak" because you feel stress. Between school, social media, and Lagos life, our "alarms" are always going off. Resilience is just a skill, like coding or football. You have to practice:
• Name it: "I’m not 'annoyed,' I’m actually 'overwhelmed.'"
• Check your thoughts: "Is this a disaster, or just a bad day?"
• Ask for help: Shutting down is a solo act; resilience is a team sport.
The Inquiry: Proactive vs. Reactive
The Group concludes that Emotional Intelligence isn't about being "happy" all the time. It's about being Reasonable when things go wrong.
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