TOPIC TODAY: As a Parent, Are You Building a Winner or a Competitor?Success is broader than a report card.• Does your child feel like a project to be managed or a person to be loved?• Can we find the courage to praise a "failing" grade if we know the effort was there?• The Big Question: When you stop comparing your child to others, are you actually just giving yourself permission to stop comparing yourself to other parents?
The rain has finally stopped, leaving the Ikeja air smelling of damp earth, fallen leaves and fruits. Inside Evking’s Bar, the Dynamic Group is huddled around their favourite corner table. Ola is tapping rhythmically on his phone case, looking a bit sheepish.
"Guys, I have a confession," Ola begins. "Yesterday, I told my teenage son that his cousin is already solving algebra while he is still struggling with ordinary arithmetical questions. I thought I was 'encouraging' him. But he just walked away and didn't touch his books for the rest of the day."
ELDER EPHRAIM:
But Ola, isn't competition the way of the world? If I see the girl next to me running faster on Sports Day, it makes me run faster! If we don't show them the standard, how will they know where to aim?
JENNIFER:
There’s a massive difference, Elder. When a child chooses to run faster, change jobs, or improve at their business because they want to make progress or win, that is Intrinsic Motivation. But when a parent says, "Why aren't you as fast or as good as Tunde?", it becomes External Shame.
Statistics from the American Psychological Association suggest that nearly 35% of adolescents cite "pressure to excel" as a primary source of chronic stress. When you compare, you move the child from a "Growth Mindset" (I can get better) to a "Fixed Mindset" (I'm just not as good as Tunde, so why try?).
NNE:
It’s true. When my mom told me she’d cancel my Judo classes because Chike was better at math, I didn't study more math. I just started hating Judo. It felt like my joy was a hostage to my grades.
JIDE:
So, if we stop the "Look at Chike" talk, how do we actually get them to improve? We can't just let them fail, can we?
JENNIFER:
You focus on Effort, not just the Result.
If a child gets 2/10 on a spelling test, you praise the two they got right. You say, "I saw how hard you practised those two. Let's see if we can get three next time." That "subtle positive guilt" works much better than a reprimand.
OLA:
But what about the PlayStation? I told him that if he gets 10/10, he gets a new game.
JENNIFER:
That’s Extrinsic Motivation. It has its place for short-term goals, but it doesn't build character. What builds character is when you appreciate their Unique Talents. Your son might be slow at spelling, but is he the kid who helps the teacher clean up? Is he the one who is kind to the lonely kid at recess? Kindness is a talent, too.
The Inquiry: Sanity Over Competition
The Group concludes that the "alien" trait isn't the desire for excellence, but the method of achieving it. To save our sanity and our children's self-esteem:
• The 2/10 Rule: Praise the effort put into the "2," and the "10" will eventually follow.
• Realistic Targets: If 10/10 is a mountain, set a goal for 5/10. Celebrate the small wins with genuine wonder.
• Active Partnership: Don't just send them to their room to study. Sit with them. Sound out the words. Be the "Coach," not the "Judge."
• Celebrate Idiosyncrasies: Notice the "weird" and "wonderful" things that make your child them - whether it’s skateboarding, being better at chess games, kindness, or a love for drawing.
"Guys, I have a confession," Ola begins. "Yesterday, I told my teenage son that his cousin is already solving algebra while he is still struggling with ordinary arithmetical questions. I thought I was 'encouraging' him. But he just walked away and didn't touch his books for the rest of the day."
ELDER EPHRAIM:
But Ola, isn't competition the way of the world? If I see the girl next to me running faster on Sports Day, it makes me run faster! If we don't show them the standard, how will they know where to aim?
JENNIFER:
There’s a massive difference, Elder. When a child chooses to run faster, change jobs, or improve at their business because they want to make progress or win, that is Intrinsic Motivation. But when a parent says, "Why aren't you as fast or as good as Tunde?", it becomes External Shame.
Statistics from the American Psychological Association suggest that nearly 35% of adolescents cite "pressure to excel" as a primary source of chronic stress. When you compare, you move the child from a "Growth Mindset" (I can get better) to a "Fixed Mindset" (I'm just not as good as Tunde, so why try?).
NNE:
It’s true. When my mom told me she’d cancel my Judo classes because Chike was better at math, I didn't study more math. I just started hating Judo. It felt like my joy was a hostage to my grades.
JIDE:
So, if we stop the "Look at Chike" talk, how do we actually get them to improve? We can't just let them fail, can we?
JENNIFER:
You focus on Effort, not just the Result.
If a child gets 2/10 on a spelling test, you praise the two they got right. You say, "I saw how hard you practised those two. Let's see if we can get three next time." That "subtle positive guilt" works much better than a reprimand.
OLA:
But what about the PlayStation? I told him that if he gets 10/10, he gets a new game.
JENNIFER:
That’s Extrinsic Motivation. It has its place for short-term goals, but it doesn't build character. What builds character is when you appreciate their Unique Talents. Your son might be slow at spelling, but is he the kid who helps the teacher clean up? Is he the one who is kind to the lonely kid at recess? Kindness is a talent, too.
The Inquiry: Sanity Over Competition
The Group concludes that the "alien" trait isn't the desire for excellence, but the method of achieving it. To save our sanity and our children's self-esteem:
• The 2/10 Rule: Praise the effort put into the "2," and the "10" will eventually follow.
• Realistic Targets: If 10/10 is a mountain, set a goal for 5/10. Celebrate the small wins with genuine wonder.
• Active Partnership: Don't just send them to their room to study. Sit with them. Sound out the words. Be the "Coach," not the "Judge."
• Celebrate Idiosyncrasies: Notice the "weird" and "wonderful" things that make your child them - whether it’s skateboarding, being better at chess games, kindness, or a love for drawing.
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