TOPIC TODAY: Is Your Home a Safe Place for the Truth? Today, the world is full of "curated" lives. Our homes must be the one place where the curation stops. Do your children feel free to be "unpolished" in your presence, or do they wait until they leave the house to breathe? When was the last time you admitted to your child that you didn't have the answer or that you made a mistake? The Big Question: If your child is an "angel" at home but a "terror" outside, are you actually parenting them, or are you just managing their performance?
The sun has almost vanished now, as the solar lanterns in Elder Ephraim’s garden are beginning to glow, casting a warm light on the group. Jide is laughing quietly, shaking his head at a memory.
"I have one more topic I need your opinions on." He says, "My son asked me how a refrigerator actually works last week," Jide admits. "I started explaining something about 'cold magnets' and 'trapped winter air.' I was halfway through a complete lie before I realized I was just terrified of him thinking I’m not the 'all-knowing' dad. I was performing, not parenting."
JENNIFER:
Jide, that "Cold Magnet" story is exactly what we call the Pressure to be Perfect. Parents often equate knowledge with authority. If you don't know the answer, you feel like you’re losing your "power."
NNE:
But from a teen’s perspective, we can usually tell when you're faking. When you lie to cover your ignorance, it doesn't make you look strong - it makes us stop trusting your advice on the big things, like relationships or career.
JENNIFER:
Exactly. Admitting "I don’t know" actually Models Honesty. It turns a question into a Collaborative Lab. Instead of a lecture, it becomes: "I'm not sure, let's look it up together." That teaches a child how to learn, which is a much better gift than a fake answer.
OLA:
This part hits home. I once got a report that my daughter was the "class clown" and quite disruptive. I argued with the teacher for an hour! At home, she is silent, neat, and always says "Yes, sir." I thought the teacher was lying.
JENNIFER:
Ola, if a child is only allowed to show their "Polished" side at home, they have to put their "Raw" side somewhere else.
JENNIFER (cont.):
If home is a Courtroom where only perfection is acquitted, the child becomes a hypocrite to survive. They wear a mask for you and save their struggles, flaws, and "real" personality for the schoolyard. You end up parenting a ghost, while the teacher is dealing with the real person.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
We must parent the child we have, not the child we wish for. If you only love the "Angel," you leave the "Human" part of your child to be raised by the streets or social media.
BISOLA:
So, we should be okay with the "messy" version?
JENNIFER:
More than okay - it’s necessary. The faults you find in your child aren't reasons for shame; they are training opportunities.
• The Perfect Home: Mistakes are hidden. Hypocrisy grows.
• The Wholesome Home: Stumbles are recognized. Lessons are learned. Truth is safe.
The Inquiry: The Authenticity Audit
The Group concludes that a safe home is one where the "unedited" version of every family member is welcome.
"I have one more topic I need your opinions on." He says, "My son asked me how a refrigerator actually works last week," Jide admits. "I started explaining something about 'cold magnets' and 'trapped winter air.' I was halfway through a complete lie before I realized I was just terrified of him thinking I’m not the 'all-knowing' dad. I was performing, not parenting."
JENNIFER:
Jide, that "Cold Magnet" story is exactly what we call the Pressure to be Perfect. Parents often equate knowledge with authority. If you don't know the answer, you feel like you’re losing your "power."
NNE:
But from a teen’s perspective, we can usually tell when you're faking. When you lie to cover your ignorance, it doesn't make you look strong - it makes us stop trusting your advice on the big things, like relationships or career.
JENNIFER:
Exactly. Admitting "I don’t know" actually Models Honesty. It turns a question into a Collaborative Lab. Instead of a lecture, it becomes: "I'm not sure, let's look it up together." That teaches a child how to learn, which is a much better gift than a fake answer.
OLA:
This part hits home. I once got a report that my daughter was the "class clown" and quite disruptive. I argued with the teacher for an hour! At home, she is silent, neat, and always says "Yes, sir." I thought the teacher was lying.
JENNIFER:
Ola, if a child is only allowed to show their "Polished" side at home, they have to put their "Raw" side somewhere else.
JENNIFER (cont.):
If home is a Courtroom where only perfection is acquitted, the child becomes a hypocrite to survive. They wear a mask for you and save their struggles, flaws, and "real" personality for the schoolyard. You end up parenting a ghost, while the teacher is dealing with the real person.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
We must parent the child we have, not the child we wish for. If you only love the "Angel," you leave the "Human" part of your child to be raised by the streets or social media.
BISOLA:
So, we should be okay with the "messy" version?
JENNIFER:
More than okay - it’s necessary. The faults you find in your child aren't reasons for shame; they are training opportunities.
• The Perfect Home: Mistakes are hidden. Hypocrisy grows.
• The Wholesome Home: Stumbles are recognized. Lessons are learned. Truth is safe.
The Inquiry: The Authenticity Audit
The Group concludes that a safe home is one where the "unedited" version of every family member is welcome.
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