TOPIC TODAY: Are You a Parent or a Producer? Today, the pressure to look "together or perfect" is at an all-time high. Are you exhausted from trying to maintain a "facade" that your children can't actually live up to? Would you rather have a catalog-ready house or a connection-ready home? The Big Question: If you dropped the mask today and showed your child your own "behind-the-scenes" footage - including your mistakes and how you solve them - what would they actually learn about survival?
The generator at Evking’s Bar is humming a little louder tonight, almost as if it's trying to drown out the notification pings from the group’s phones. Ola is staring at a photo on his feed—a local "influencer" family in matching white lace, looking seren, elegant and flawless.
"Look at this," Ola says, turning his phone around to each of the group members. "They look like they live in their private Island, as if they’ve never had a cross word between them or mistakenly, ever spilled bowl of soup in their lives. Meanwhile, I left home and travelled by public transport this morning and spent over one hour looking for my purse after I dropped from bus where, I suspected that as a result of my not paying proper attention someone someone may have picked my pocket. I feel like a failure just looking at this."
JIDE:
We’ve stopped living and started performing. We’re handing our kids a map to a city that doesn't exist. If they think 'Home' is a place where everything is always white lace and smiles, they’ll be terrified the moment they step into the real world and see mud.
JENNIFER:
That’s the Comparison Trap. We compare our "behind-the-scenes" footage - taking punlic transport, the tantrums, the burnt toast - with everyone else’s "highlight reel."
JENNIFER (cont.):
It creates a Burnout Cycle. Maintaining that "perfect and successful life" facade takes so much energy that there’s nothing left for actual, messy connection. But the real danger is the Fragility Factor. If a child never sees you handle struggling through life or make mistake with grace, they learn that not being rich and successful or making mistakes are catastrophic. They become brittle.
NNE:
Exactly. When we focus on the aesthetic of the family instead of the experience, we lose the plot. If I make a mistake and my parents' first reaction is "What will people think?", I learn that my value is tied to my image, not my character.
OLA:
So, I should just let the toast burn and let everyone see me get on with a struggling life, right?
JENNIFER:
Not exactly. It’s about trading the Courtroom (where someone is always on trial) for the Classroom (where everyone is learning).
JENNIFER (cont.):
Every spilled milk or missed deadline is a micro-lab for resilience.
• The Perfectionist Approach: "How could you be so clumsy? Now you have lost your puse and all the documents!"
• The Resilient Approach: "Oops, the milk spilled. That’s annoying, but we can fix it. Where’s the towel?"
ELDER EPHRAIM:
Back in the day, we didn't have "Instagram." If your child fell in the dirt, you washed them. If they failed a test, you sat them down. There was no audience to perform for, so we were forced to be real. Real is better than "perfect" every single time.
The Inquiry: Dismantling the Mask
The Group agrees that the "Lie of Perfection" is a thief. To reclaim our homes, we must acknowledge:
"Look at this," Ola says, turning his phone around to each of the group members. "They look like they live in their private Island, as if they’ve never had a cross word between them or mistakenly, ever spilled bowl of soup in their lives. Meanwhile, I left home and travelled by public transport this morning and spent over one hour looking for my purse after I dropped from bus where, I suspected that as a result of my not paying proper attention someone someone may have picked my pocket. I feel like a failure just looking at this."
JIDE:
We’ve stopped living and started performing. We’re handing our kids a map to a city that doesn't exist. If they think 'Home' is a place where everything is always white lace and smiles, they’ll be terrified the moment they step into the real world and see mud.
JENNIFER:
That’s the Comparison Trap. We compare our "behind-the-scenes" footage - taking punlic transport, the tantrums, the burnt toast - with everyone else’s "highlight reel."
JENNIFER (cont.):
It creates a Burnout Cycle. Maintaining that "perfect and successful life" facade takes so much energy that there’s nothing left for actual, messy connection. But the real danger is the Fragility Factor. If a child never sees you handle struggling through life or make mistake with grace, they learn that not being rich and successful or making mistakes are catastrophic. They become brittle.
NNE:
Exactly. When we focus on the aesthetic of the family instead of the experience, we lose the plot. If I make a mistake and my parents' first reaction is "What will people think?", I learn that my value is tied to my image, not my character.
OLA:
So, I should just let the toast burn and let everyone see me get on with a struggling life, right?
JENNIFER:
Not exactly. It’s about trading the Courtroom (where someone is always on trial) for the Classroom (where everyone is learning).
JENNIFER (cont.):
Every spilled milk or missed deadline is a micro-lab for resilience.
• The Perfectionist Approach: "How could you be so clumsy? Now you have lost your puse and all the documents!"
• The Resilient Approach: "Oops, the milk spilled. That’s annoying, but we can fix it. Where’s the towel?"
ELDER EPHRAIM:
Back in the day, we didn't have "Instagram." If your child fell in the dirt, you washed them. If they failed a test, you sat them down. There was no audience to perform for, so we were forced to be real. Real is better than "perfect" every single time.
The Inquiry: Dismantling the Mask
The Group agrees that the "Lie of Perfection" is a thief. To reclaim our homes, we must acknowledge:
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