TOPIC TODAY: As parents, are we Breeding Citizens or Chaos-Makers?We are watching a societal "Loss of Control" in the 12 to 30-year-old demographic. Is it time to admit that our parenting has swung too far into "Indulgence"?• Is "Love" without boundaries actually a form of Neglect?• Can we discipline our youths in a way that teaches them to Own Space (Self-Control) rather than Shrink (Self-Policing)?• The Big Question: If your child cannot handle "No" from you today, how will they handle "No" from life, their boss, or their partner tomorrow?
The scene: The fan at the corner where the group are at The Evking’s Bar hums steadily as the group sits around a table with half-eaten gizzard, goat meat, and cold drinks. The conversation has shifted from the "Self-Policing" of girls to the root cause: parenting.
Ola is shaking his head at a viral video of a 27-year-old "influencer" disrespecting a waitress. "You see this?" he gestures. "This is what happens when you give children 'Love' but zero 'Koboko.' We are raising a generation of lions and lionesses who don't know what a fence looks like."
OLA: Let’s be honest. The reason Nigeria is like this - the entitlement, the lack of boundaries, the 20-year-olds thinking the world owes them a "Soft Life" - is because parents have confused Permissiveness with Love. You let your child do whatever they want because you don't want them to be "policed," allowing them have "freedom," and now we are all suffering for it.
ELDER EPHRAIM: In my day, discipline was the proof of love. If I didn't correct you, it meant I didn't care about your future. Today, parents are "friends" with their children. But a child doesn't need a 40- to 60-year-old friend; they need parents as guardians and guides.
NNE: But Elder, your generation’s "discipline" was often just to hit first and often, never explained. That’s why so many teenagers growing into adulthood from your generation are today experts at lying and hiding. That’s not control; that’s survival. Discipline without love makes us feel like pawns, not people.
JENNIFER: Nne is right, but so is Ola. We have to stop seeing Love and Discipline as enemies. They are two wings of the same bird.
Love provides the security that says "I value you." Discipline provides the boundaries that say "I respect your future." If you have Love without Discipline, you get Chaos. If you have Discipline without Love, you get Resentment.
BISOLA: As a lawyer, I see the "Chaos" every day. Young people between 18 and 30 who literally cannot delineate where their rights end and another person's begin. They weren't taught Self-Control at home, so they have to learn it in a courtroom or spend time in a police cell. That is a very expensive lesson.
JIDE: But how do we teach the girl-child "Self-Control" without turning her into that "Self-Policing" shadow we talked about earlier? How do we set limits that make her responsible but not "shrunken"?
JENNIFER: By delivering discipline with Empathy. When you set a rule, explain the "Why." Rules should be for Growth, not Punishment. If a girl understands that a boundary is there to protect her energy and focus, she develops Mastery. If the boundary is just there to "make her a good wife," she develops Insecurity.
NNE: Exactly. If I know my parents have my back (Love), I don't mind them checking my speed (Discipline). It’s when the "check" feels like an attack that I want to rebel.
ELDER EPHRAIM: So, we set firm, age-appropriate limits. We don't indulge every whim of a 12-year-old, or encourage or indulge those in their 20s who cannot control their urge, but at thesame time, we don't want to treat them like prisoners.
OLA: It sounds like too much hard work. Is it not just easier to just shout or just ignore them?
BISOLA: Parenting is the most important "Project Management" job in the world. If you fail to manage the "Self-Control" of your child today, society will "Police" them tomorrow - and society isn't half as kind as a parent.
The Inquiry: Parenting Matrix;
The crisis of our youth - the selfishness and lack of restraint - can be traced back to which "Quadrant" we choose to live in:
• The Permissive Trap (High Love, Low Discipline): Breeding "Main Character Syndrome" where boundaries don't exist, no control, and consequences are a shock.
• The Authoritarian Trap (Low Love, High Discipline): Breeding "Performers" who act right in public but are broken or rebellious in private.
• The Authoritative Goal (High Love, High Discipline): Using empathy to set firm limits, fostering trust, and building a sense of responsibility.
Ola is shaking his head at a viral video of a 27-year-old "influencer" disrespecting a waitress. "You see this?" he gestures. "This is what happens when you give children 'Love' but zero 'Koboko.' We are raising a generation of lions and lionesses who don't know what a fence looks like."
OLA: Let’s be honest. The reason Nigeria is like this - the entitlement, the lack of boundaries, the 20-year-olds thinking the world owes them a "Soft Life" - is because parents have confused Permissiveness with Love. You let your child do whatever they want because you don't want them to be "policed," allowing them have "freedom," and now we are all suffering for it.
ELDER EPHRAIM: In my day, discipline was the proof of love. If I didn't correct you, it meant I didn't care about your future. Today, parents are "friends" with their children. But a child doesn't need a 40- to 60-year-old friend; they need parents as guardians and guides.
NNE: But Elder, your generation’s "discipline" was often just to hit first and often, never explained. That’s why so many teenagers growing into adulthood from your generation are today experts at lying and hiding. That’s not control; that’s survival. Discipline without love makes us feel like pawns, not people.
JENNIFER: Nne is right, but so is Ola. We have to stop seeing Love and Discipline as enemies. They are two wings of the same bird.
Love provides the security that says "I value you." Discipline provides the boundaries that say "I respect your future." If you have Love without Discipline, you get Chaos. If you have Discipline without Love, you get Resentment.
BISOLA: As a lawyer, I see the "Chaos" every day. Young people between 18 and 30 who literally cannot delineate where their rights end and another person's begin. They weren't taught Self-Control at home, so they have to learn it in a courtroom or spend time in a police cell. That is a very expensive lesson.
JIDE: But how do we teach the girl-child "Self-Control" without turning her into that "Self-Policing" shadow we talked about earlier? How do we set limits that make her responsible but not "shrunken"?
JENNIFER: By delivering discipline with Empathy. When you set a rule, explain the "Why." Rules should be for Growth, not Punishment. If a girl understands that a boundary is there to protect her energy and focus, she develops Mastery. If the boundary is just there to "make her a good wife," she develops Insecurity.
NNE: Exactly. If I know my parents have my back (Love), I don't mind them checking my speed (Discipline). It’s when the "check" feels like an attack that I want to rebel.
ELDER EPHRAIM: So, we set firm, age-appropriate limits. We don't indulge every whim of a 12-year-old, or encourage or indulge those in their 20s who cannot control their urge, but at thesame time, we don't want to treat them like prisoners.
OLA: It sounds like too much hard work. Is it not just easier to just shout or just ignore them?
BISOLA: Parenting is the most important "Project Management" job in the world. If you fail to manage the "Self-Control" of your child today, society will "Police" them tomorrow - and society isn't half as kind as a parent.
The Inquiry: Parenting Matrix;
The crisis of our youth - the selfishness and lack of restraint - can be traced back to which "Quadrant" we choose to live in:
• The Permissive Trap (High Love, Low Discipline): Breeding "Main Character Syndrome" where boundaries don't exist, no control, and consequences are a shock.
• The Authoritarian Trap (Low Love, High Discipline): Breeding "Performers" who act right in public but are broken or rebellious in private.
• The Authoritative Goal (High Love, High Discipline): Using empathy to set firm limits, fostering trust, and building a sense of responsibility.
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