TOPIC TODAY: As a parent, are You Providing a care-giving Life or Paying For Absence?In a world that demands our time, "Love Bombing" has become a survival strategy.• Does "buying affection" teach children that people are replaceable by things?• Can we find the courage to be present and imperfect rather than absent and "perfect"?• The Big Question: If you were to take away all the gadgets and gifts you’ve given your child this year, would your relationship still have a solid foundation, or would it be empty?
The humidity at Evking’s Bar is thick, but the atmosphere inside the booth is heavier. Jide is watching a man at the far table. The man is wearing a sharp suit, looking exhausted, and handing a brand-new, high-end tablet to a six-year-old girl who hasn't seen him all week. The girl takes it, but she doesn't look at the screen - she looks at her father, hoping he’ll stay. He doesn't; he opens his laptop.
"There it is," Jide whispers, nodding toward them. "The Lagos Trade-Off. We trade our hours for Naira, then try to buy back the child's heart with the same Naira. But does the math ever add up?"
OLA:
Look, Jide, life in 2026 is a marathon. If I’m away for 12 hours a day, I want my kids to have the best. I didn’t have a bike or a console when I was young. If I buy it for them, it’s because I love them. Why is that an "escape"?
JENNIFER:
It becomes an escape, Ola, when the gift is used to soothe your own anxiety rather than meet the child’s needs.
When we feel inadequate for missing the school play, we buy a "Peace Offering." It’s an escape because it avoids the difficult, messy work of saying, "I’m sorry I wasn't there; let's talk about it." We use the toy to shut down the child’s disappointment.
NNE:
Jennifer is right. I grew up in a house full of the latest gadgets, but I felt emotionally neglected. I learned that "Love" has a price tag. If my parents were "nice" to me, a box arrived. If they were absent, two boxes arrived. I ended up equating "more" with "better," and it ruined my early relationships because I was always waiting for the "transaction."
ELDER EPHRAIM:
You’ve removed the Struggle, Ola. If a child never has to wait for anything or earn anything, they never develop Grit. You are raising a child who is "well-furnished" on the outside but empty and fragile on the inside.
JIDE:
So, if we can't buy our way out of the guilt, what do we do? We still have to work!
JENNIFER:
We Reframe the Guilt. Perfection is a myth. Children don't need a "Perfect Parent"; they need a Present one.
[Image comparing materialistic vs. emotional fulfilment in child development]
BISOLA:
Instead of buying a new toy to "make up" for being late, why not involve them in the task? If you have to cook or fix something, let them help. Turn the "mundane" into a bonding moment. That is Intentional Presence.
NNE:
Exactly. I’d rather wash the car with my dad and talk about my day than get a new phone while he’s sitting in his office. One is a memory; the other is just hardware.
OLA (Quietly):
So the best gift for the time I lost... isn't in a shopping bag?
ELDER EPHRAIM:
No, my son. The best gift is the active effort to be there, even if it is doing the most mundane thing, like playing games or just sitting in silence together. Love is a verb, not a noun. It is something you do, not something you buy.
The Inquiry: Love or Escape?
The debate at the bar forces us to look at the "hidden costs" of our generousity
"There it is," Jide whispers, nodding toward them. "The Lagos Trade-Off. We trade our hours for Naira, then try to buy back the child's heart with the same Naira. But does the math ever add up?"
OLA:
Look, Jide, life in 2026 is a marathon. If I’m away for 12 hours a day, I want my kids to have the best. I didn’t have a bike or a console when I was young. If I buy it for them, it’s because I love them. Why is that an "escape"?
JENNIFER:
It becomes an escape, Ola, when the gift is used to soothe your own anxiety rather than meet the child’s needs.
When we feel inadequate for missing the school play, we buy a "Peace Offering." It’s an escape because it avoids the difficult, messy work of saying, "I’m sorry I wasn't there; let's talk about it." We use the toy to shut down the child’s disappointment.
NNE:
Jennifer is right. I grew up in a house full of the latest gadgets, but I felt emotionally neglected. I learned that "Love" has a price tag. If my parents were "nice" to me, a box arrived. If they were absent, two boxes arrived. I ended up equating "more" with "better," and it ruined my early relationships because I was always waiting for the "transaction."
ELDER EPHRAIM:
You’ve removed the Struggle, Ola. If a child never has to wait for anything or earn anything, they never develop Grit. You are raising a child who is "well-furnished" on the outside but empty and fragile on the inside.
JIDE:
So, if we can't buy our way out of the guilt, what do we do? We still have to work!
JENNIFER:
We Reframe the Guilt. Perfection is a myth. Children don't need a "Perfect Parent"; they need a Present one.
[Image comparing materialistic vs. emotional fulfilment in child development]
BISOLA:
Instead of buying a new toy to "make up" for being late, why not involve them in the task? If you have to cook or fix something, let them help. Turn the "mundane" into a bonding moment. That is Intentional Presence.
NNE:
Exactly. I’d rather wash the car with my dad and talk about my day than get a new phone while he’s sitting in his office. One is a memory; the other is just hardware.
OLA (Quietly):
So the best gift for the time I lost... isn't in a shopping bag?
ELDER EPHRAIM:
No, my son. The best gift is the active effort to be there, even if it is doing the most mundane thing, like playing games or just sitting in silence together. Love is a verb, not a noun. It is something you do, not something you buy.
The Inquiry: Love or Escape?
The debate at the bar forces us to look at the "hidden costs" of our generousity
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