TOPIC TODAY: Are We "Contracting Out" the Next Generation?The marketplace now offers to handle everything from potty training to "moral coaching."• Is outsourcing parental duties a sign of progress for busy families, or a sign of the death of the family unit?• Can a child learn "Self-Control" and "Respect" from a service provider, or are these lessons only valid when they come from a parent?• The Big Question: If we can afford to buy "Perfect Parenting" through tutors, nannies, and camps, what is left for the parent to actually do, besides sign the cheques?
The atmosphere at Evking’s Bar is buzzing. Jide shows his phone screen to the group.
JIDE:
Look at this. You can now pay someone to potty train your child, pay a "behavioural coach" to handle tantrums, and pay a tutor to teach them "Nigerian values." If you have enough money, you don't actually have to be a parent - you just have to be a General Manager.
OLA:
And what’s wrong with that? If I’m working 14 hours a day to pay for a house in Lekki, should I come home and fight a 3-year-old over a toilet? The marketplace is providing a service. It’s no different from hiring a cook or a driver.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
It is entirely different, Ola! You can hire a cook to feed the stomach, but you cannot hire a nanny to feed the soul. It is like in my time when parents simply hand over their child to grandparents who may be too old to properly groom them. The "dirty" moments - the potty training, the midnight fever - that is where intimacy is built. If you outsource the struggle, you shouldn't be surprised when the child treats you like a stranger who just pays the bills.
JENNIFER:
Elder is touching on Attachment Theory.
When we outsource fundamental care, we risk creating an "Avoidant Attachment." If a child learns that their needs are always met by a "service provider" rather than a parent, the boundary between family and the marketplace blurs. The child grows up to see relationships as transactional.
NNE:
Let’s stop the "image of perfection" talk. Most parents are just trying to survive. If a phone keeps a child quiet so a mother can finish a remote meeting that pays for their school fees, is that a crime? It’s "selective sharing." We use the tools we have.
BISOLA:
But Nne, there’s a legal and developmental cost.
If you outsource the "boredom" of a child to a screen, you are abdicating the duty to teach self-regulation. As a lawyer, I see the result later: teenagers who have zero "impulse," or "urge" control because a tablet gave them instant gratification, they grow up constantly seeking gratifications outside.
JIDE:
Exactly. We aren't just outsourcing tasks; we are outsourcing the Hard Parts of love. Love is patient - but a potty training camp is efficient. We are choosing efficiency over connection.
OLA:
But if the "market" provides high-quality daycare and tutors who are better trained than the parents, isn't the child better off? Most parents are stressed and angry. Maybe a professional is safer?
JENNIFER:
A professional can supplement, Ola, but they shouldn't replace. The danger is when we stop seeing parenting as a "Core Duty" and start seeing it as a "Series of Tasks" to be delegated. You can delegate the birthday party planning, but you can't delegate the discipline.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
If you "buy" your child’s development, don't complain when they try to "sell" you to an old people's home later. You taught them that the market comes first.
The Inquiry: The Family-Marketplace Blur
The group’s debate highlights the "New Frontier" of parenting in urban Nigeria:
• The Convenience Trap: At what point does hiring "essential help" turn into "abdicating responsibility"?
• The Intimacy Tax: Does paying for someone else to handle the "unpleasant" parts of childhood reduce the parent’s authority and emotional bond?
• The Digital Proxy: Is using a smartphone as a "digital nanny" a valid survival tool, or is it a "systemic disorientation" of the child’s brain?
• The Perfection Image: Are we outsourcing because we are truly busy, or because we want our children to be "perfect" without us having to do the messy work?
JIDE:
Look at this. You can now pay someone to potty train your child, pay a "behavioural coach" to handle tantrums, and pay a tutor to teach them "Nigerian values." If you have enough money, you don't actually have to be a parent - you just have to be a General Manager.
OLA:
And what’s wrong with that? If I’m working 14 hours a day to pay for a house in Lekki, should I come home and fight a 3-year-old over a toilet? The marketplace is providing a service. It’s no different from hiring a cook or a driver.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
It is entirely different, Ola! You can hire a cook to feed the stomach, but you cannot hire a nanny to feed the soul. It is like in my time when parents simply hand over their child to grandparents who may be too old to properly groom them. The "dirty" moments - the potty training, the midnight fever - that is where intimacy is built. If you outsource the struggle, you shouldn't be surprised when the child treats you like a stranger who just pays the bills.
JENNIFER:
Elder is touching on Attachment Theory.
When we outsource fundamental care, we risk creating an "Avoidant Attachment." If a child learns that their needs are always met by a "service provider" rather than a parent, the boundary between family and the marketplace blurs. The child grows up to see relationships as transactional.
NNE:
Let’s stop the "image of perfection" talk. Most parents are just trying to survive. If a phone keeps a child quiet so a mother can finish a remote meeting that pays for their school fees, is that a crime? It’s "selective sharing." We use the tools we have.
BISOLA:
But Nne, there’s a legal and developmental cost.
If you outsource the "boredom" of a child to a screen, you are abdicating the duty to teach self-regulation. As a lawyer, I see the result later: teenagers who have zero "impulse," or "urge" control because a tablet gave them instant gratification, they grow up constantly seeking gratifications outside.
JIDE:
Exactly. We aren't just outsourcing tasks; we are outsourcing the Hard Parts of love. Love is patient - but a potty training camp is efficient. We are choosing efficiency over connection.
OLA:
But if the "market" provides high-quality daycare and tutors who are better trained than the parents, isn't the child better off? Most parents are stressed and angry. Maybe a professional is safer?
JENNIFER:
A professional can supplement, Ola, but they shouldn't replace. The danger is when we stop seeing parenting as a "Core Duty" and start seeing it as a "Series of Tasks" to be delegated. You can delegate the birthday party planning, but you can't delegate the discipline.
ELDER EPHRAIM:
If you "buy" your child’s development, don't complain when they try to "sell" you to an old people's home later. You taught them that the market comes first.
The Inquiry: The Family-Marketplace Blur
The group’s debate highlights the "New Frontier" of parenting in urban Nigeria:
• The Convenience Trap: At what point does hiring "essential help" turn into "abdicating responsibility"?
• The Intimacy Tax: Does paying for someone else to handle the "unpleasant" parts of childhood reduce the parent’s authority and emotional bond?
• The Digital Proxy: Is using a smartphone as a "digital nanny" a valid survival tool, or is it a "systemic disorientation" of the child’s brain?
• The Perfection Image: Are we outsourcing because we are truly busy, or because we want our children to be "perfect" without us having to do the messy work?
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